Musical mapping

Just when you're in the direst need of some light relief, along gallops that most genial of disc jockeys Tim Lihoreau of Classic FM’s daily More Music Breakfast. His listeners began sending him the weird names of where they lived with tweets and phone-ins, and some of the even weirder ones they passed through. Then Lihoreau had a stroke of genius. You know how the Germans have the perfect word for something that’s not in the English vocabulary, like zeitgeist and schadenfreude? Well, it occurred to our morning host that the same might apply to the arcane world of music, where there are familiar experiences, incidents and encounters which some of the more bizarre topographical nomenclature would fit like a glove. He’s brought them together as The Classic FM Musical Treasury, just published by Elliott and Thompson. Here’s a flavour.


dorney reach   (n.)      the traditional shaking of hands between conductor and the leader of the orchestra post-performance


beggearn huish (n.)    the moment at the end of apiece when conductor and soloist, both in taut, eye-alert stance, are determined that, despite the piece being ended, applause shall not start. Not to be confused with goldstone


goldstone (n.)           the point during a particularly magical beggearn huish when the unbroken moment allows you to hear a combination of silence and your own tinnitus


borve (v.)                   to cry “bravo” loudly loudly during the beggearn huish presumably in the mistaken belief that the sound of your voice is as much sought after as that of the international artist on stage


arpinge (v.)                to complain about the amount of time spent tuning a harp


earby (n.)                    someone who places a fi8inger in one ear while singing and raising their eyes heavenwards


nazeing (n.)                 the act of blowing through an oboe reed while it is not attached to the rest of the instrument


skeffling (v.)               the art of exaggeratedly enthusiastic acting perfected by chorus  members in the part scenes of operas, often with empty tankards in hands


carstairs junction (n.) the location after an outdoors concert where you find yourself within a crowd of other hapless cases, also burdened with cool boxes and blankets, who can’t find their cars in the field car park either


jamphlars (n.)             the reddish orange  corduroys worn by young fogey opera goers and prospective UKIP candidates


tuesnoad (adj.)                       descriptive of any note played on a bass clarinet


farleigh wallop                       the sound of a flaccid bass drum struck during tuning when it has not yet been tightened


gorstage (n.)                           the area immediately in front of the stage that has been kept as a VIP area and that is consequently only sparsely populated as many of the freebie-swilling glitterati had better things to do


fanshawe (n.)                         the return to the stage to receive applause at the end of a concert, a journey that must be undertaken only in the certainty of sufficiently strong applause to cover your walk back


lampeter velfrey (n.)              the half drape half flag items that hang from the tubing of ceremonial trujpeters


east looe (n.)                          the particular festival Portaloo that is to be avoided at all costs


I can see, or maybe hear, thousands of car journeys looking for election-free havens made made less frantic by suggested additions to Lihoreau’s Musical Treasury. Thanks Tim.

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